Saturday, August 20, 2011

Made a stupid

If anyone hasn’t seen, yeah, I’ve made a stupid. A really big stupid. KK has every right to call me the names she’s called me and treat me the way she’s treated me. I’m a fucktard and a stupid idiot.

But… tough love, right? Even if she’s completely ignoring me now. I’ll give her her time and space. I’m… slowly on the mend and trying to figure things out. I guess I should tell you how it’s all been going down. Though her post describes it all, so I’ll start with this morning.

I had been thinking and sobbing and feeling stupid and guilty and pitiful yesterday. So much is just, so confusing. So uncertain. This hatchling thing… isn’t real? That’s the biggest thing that’s bothering me. Which is alright I guess. It could be me feeling self pity again. I miss Brennon, I do, but everyone’s right. KK’s right. It’s time to nut up and move on. So I’m going to live for Brennon, and do the things he’d want me to do. Oh right. I’m side tracked now, my bad.

So what happened. This morning I come awake after falling asleep at the dinning table. I woke up forgetting where I was. I heard movement and looked up and saw her moving around doing stuff. She didn’t noticed me and I remained silent sitting up rubbing sleep from my eyes and stretching in the chair I was in. I just… sat there like an idiot. I didn’t know what to do or say to anything. So I just sat there and watched and remained silent. I became aware of my face itching, and then the nasty smell that rose from me and my clothes. I realized I’d not shaved or even bathed since Brennon had died. So here I am, looking absolutely terrible. I have no clothes. I stink, I’m unkempt and I’m in the apartment of a complete stranger who had attacked me. To be fair I just showed up at her doorstep but, really. Who in their right mind wouldn’t want to keep an eye on and beat someone who randomly did that? I couldn’t think of anyone. Finally I got up the gall to see if they were at least willing to listen and talk.

“Hello?” My voice crackled with the words and I saw a taller nerdy looking guy come in and look to me. Short, brown, hair; glasses, freckles. He reminded me of Brennon in a way, and I hesitated before speaking. “I… I stink.” He seemed to regard me a moment before he spoke up.

“Just figuring that out?” He said in such a matter of fact tone and with such a light smile that I lost it an broke down laughing. I don’t know how long I was laughing for. But I finally calmed down and caught my breath.

“I just need like.. a shower and a shave.. and clean clothes… and… well damn, everything.” I started looking around realizing my bag I had was nowhere to be seen. “Did you see a bag? my bag? I thought I had it. I don’t remember.” At this point I realize how much my head is hurting like a bitch and the monster of a headache I have.

"Uhm..." He paused seeming thoughtful and shook his head then left the room. I got up slowly and followed curiously looking around the apartment we were in. And there sat KK. I kinda winced and I musta had a pretty guilty look on my face. I loosely remembered what had happened the day prior and the things I'd said and, well yeah, the guilt washed over me there. So I took a deep breath and bit the bullet.

"Uhm... hi... uh.. KK." I stuttered over my words, I was the intruder here and my head still hurt from the abuse she'd put me through. "Look... I'm... sorry about everything from yesterday but, well I don't think you totally understand. Christine was your sister, Brennon was my lover and-- " I was cut off as she glared at me. I winced and felt myself back away a little bit.

"Brennon was your lover and Christine was MINE. So yeah, I really DO, you pathetic jackass." She growled still scowling at me. I... felt pretty terrible then.

"Yeah... wow... let's see if I can put my foot anymore into my throat..." I sighed and shook my head. "I'm sorry, I really am, I didn't know and I'm sorry. I'm an ass. I assumed. Lesson learned. Now... I need a shower... may I use yours?"

"Sure," She said as she looked away. "Just don't use my shampoo, that shit's expensive." And with that, I feel the ice was broken. A bit at least. I got my shower, Derek was kind enough to bring me a clean pair of her clothes and then we went to the a store where I could get some clean clothes as well as a few other things I needed. Then we came back and started planning what to do next. 
I've seen that both Branwen and Malkin and Chastin are looking for me. And I feel like SHIT for what I've done. I'm so sorry guys, so sorry for what I've done. I've not been myself. Brennon's death has really fucked me up, and it's going to take time to heal completely. I'm slowly on the mend. My Gods it's been over a week now? I can't believe he's been gone for a week. I'm sure the funeral's already been done. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry babe. Maybe, maybe I'll go find a park or something around here and do a special tribute to him, or something.

For now, I need to get going. I want to do my part around the place since I'm going to be staying. I'm sorry to not actively be seeking everyone out that's coming to find me, but I still need time to heal and adjust and figure out what the hell is going on.

This hatchling thing. It was a lie. All in my head. I imagined it all. And it was so fucked up that anyone around me when I went through all of it was affected as well. I'm not even sure what's real or fake anymore. Was Malkin and Chastin real or fake? Is Brennon still possibly out there somewhere? Ygg? Was he a figment of my imagination? Or is he what fed me my insanity? I'm just so confused. And really, I just need... time. So please guys, give me time. If you come out here, find a hotel, lay low and I'll hook up with you when I feel better. And when Chastin no longer wants to kill me. For now, I promised to put my cooking skills to the test for lunch and dinner, so there we have it. I'll catch you all later.

Stay safe. Eyes open.


  1. I'm happy that you finally came to your senses. You seem like you've managed to catch your breath, at least a little. And, to me, you sound like you've grown up alot since well... a few days ago.

    Death fucks you up, and it sends you reeling until someone catches you. Normally it takes someone beating the shit out of you to come back to, but I digress.

    I'm happy for you, and I hope the best for ya. Good luck, Aiden. I hope KK isn't too hard on you. :)

  2. I'm pretty sure I'm real, so don't worry, you didn't imagine us. I don't think I'm in any shape to come looking for you, by the way. We're in Portland now'll see I suppose.

  3. Well that's one hell of a revelation. I think Alex is the most confused out of all of us. Todd hasn't had much to say.

    We're heading towards Portland ourselves.

    I'm glad you're still here, Ai.

    ~ Branwen