Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Too quiet.

It's been just that lately. Way too quiet. Quieter than I'm comfortable with.

Allen's been doing well. He's been in the rec room playing Katamari. I usually sit on the couch and watch. I've also got Slendy keeping an eye on him, which he does a good job with. It's the only thing that Da' ever willingly obeys on when I ask him to. I really should sit down and interview him. I just need to come up with questions. I keep expecting Da' to talk with me and ask questions. He never does. He's not been this quiet around us in a long time. I don't know if I like it or not.

I find myself at times missing sleep. No I've yet to actually sleep. No, I'm not tired in the slightest, but it's boring and lonely. I've been spending my spare time sitting and just watching TV or playing games in the rec room. I just look after Allen and keep him as safe as possible.

I guess I should report back on the experiments. It's almost been two weeks without any food. I'm not hungry at all. I mean I feel like I could eat, and I feel myself often wanting to go with the old habit of feeding myself. Then I realize that I'm just not hungry, so I don't eat anything.

I have to go ID Sam and Dean's bodies today. I really don't want to. But it needs to be done. Then we're going to have them cremated. We're working on setting up having a wake for them this weekend. If people want to show up, they can.

I'm just to a point where I just, don't care anymore. I'm going see my loved ones die around me. I'm going to loose them and there's nothing I can do about it. I've half a mind to just go and leave everyone here to protect them and do what Da' wants me to do. He wants me to be a good little hatchling. I should just give in. Then the madness would stop. Or would it? I don't even know anymore.

I hear Allen waking up. I don't think I'll ever be able to get used to these heightened senses. But it means more experimentation. Right? Right.

Ok, going to go handle Allen. Get him fed and taken care of. Malkin agreed to watching Allen while Brennon and I go into the Morgue and make arrangements for Sam and Dean. I can't believe our partner killed my brother and sister. I keep telling myself this isn't him. He's being controlled. But then... why? Why is he still working for ///It/// when we have Allen with us safe and sound? I'm so confused and uncertain. I hope it all makes sense in time.

I just don't want to bury anymore of my family. Brennon, Allen, Malkin, Chastin and Branwen; they're all I have left. Taben's gone. Ryan's gone. My parents are gone and now Sam and Dean. It's killing me. And yet at the same time, I can't do anything about it. I feel empty and emotionless. It's... almost scary. I don't know what I'd do if I lost myself. Above all things; I cannot. Lose. Myself.

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