Wednesday, April 6, 2011

12- Misfortune

"One to many times I've seen you in a frown
You hold your head down in despair
Oh, but, the time is now you wear that frown
Cause you'll never see me again"

Micron Pens and Watercolors
On Bristol Board

You know, I was really hoping I wouldn't have to draw this card any time soon. Really truly was hoping. Gotta love how shit fucks with you. Really, I wish I could fit more people in here. Todd should be there. And Bran and Ygg and every person that commented on my last post. But these cards are small. Same size as a baseball card, and I'm not the best at drawing small. This has really been heloing me with that.

Really, I appreciate everything all you guys are doing. Even if it's just well wishes. It means the world to us. Sam, Dean and I just sat downstairs lastnight watching Supernatural and being kids. Being siblings. Forgetting all the drama and misfortune surrounding us. Brennon bought steak for dinner. We had nice thick new york strip steaks for dinner. They were great. Then.. then we decided to turn in... and we're getting ready to go and Todd shows up. And I think that's what broke the illusion for us. Sam just broke down and Dean and I saw her to bed. Dean's been staying in the room with her. Sam can't sleep alone right now it's too hard. She needs the reasurance of someone being ther for her. Dean's really good with that. I'm glad they have each other. Dean's still mute. I think he talks to Sam but only when they're alone. I could be wrong. I've told them to write out their feelings on their journals. They seem afraid. I don't know how to help them move on. They've been tramatized. And I think Sam blames herself. Because it was her hone that was called, and through her phone that we.... heard.

I've been dreaming about that. The phone call. The screams. Have you heard someone scream as they burned to death? It's the most frightening thing you could ever imagine. And it's not quick like some people think. You know? I'm really fucking pissed at myself. Sitting there for the 15 minutes and listening to thsose screams intead of just getting down there and helping my parents while they were still alive. I'm so fucking pissed at myself for failing them. I stopped talking to my family because I didn't want them to be dragged into this mess.

My parents knew nothing. And now look what happened.
It's just. Not. Fair.

The most we can do now is just try and move on with our lives. I'm going to be going out with Taben. We're going to the park. I have things I want to.. practice. I managed to convince Todd to crash here for the night. He looked worn out.  I've asked him to come with us. He's not happy with us I don't think. He's not really saying much on the matter but I do feel discomfort and uncertainty from him. I guess we'll see what comes of this.

Still waiting to hear back from the the attorneys that hold my parents wills. We'll likely need to go to them in person later today. Also we're going to see about getting Dean and Sam enrolled into one of the high schools and fight for them to not be held back. Yeah that's going to be lovly fun I'm sure. I hate teh school systems sometimes.

We're going to have a wake for our parents this weekend. I know at least that much is what they wanted. It's a matter of hearing back from the people holding the wills to see what else they wanted. I remember them saying their requests for burial were in there. They never wanted to talk about it. Gods love them. They always kept conversation light and cheerful and happy.

Mom... Dad.... I need you guys. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I failed you. I love you. I'm so sorry....


  1. How, exactly, did you fail anyone?

  2. I failed my parents. I was there when the call came in. I heard them screaming. It went on for a whole damed fifteen minutes. I just stood there listening. Not one moment did I think "hey I can get down there right now and save them!" No I just sat and listened and prayed to wake up from the nightmare because I was so certain that's what it was. I was a fucking moron. If I'd have acted my parents may actually still be alive!

  3. Or... or you know what could have happened?

    You could have gone down there and tried to save them and burned alive in that fire. If not then you could have been killed by the disgusting bastard thing that it is.

    Don't make me come out there and punch you. Seriously. I WILL punch you.

    Where the hell do you think Sis and I would be? We need you Ai. Stop acting like this. Seriously. I wanna punch you so hard right now.

  4. Nope. Absolutely not. You'd be dead too. Or better yet, you'd have been absorbed and would've made The Dark One stronger. There was nothing you could've done. I'm sorry. I really am, but honestly things could always get worse.

  5. yeah yeah yeah. I've already been punched by Dean...

    I'm just pissed.

    And sorry Dean your comment had been eaten by spam. Fucking blogger. Otherwise, I'm sure Ygg would have threatened and done the same as you did...

    At least you're talking....

  6. It's all gravy, bro. All gravy.

    Everyone should punch you though. Maybe after everyone's punched you you'll finally have enough sense knocked into ya.


  7. I swear to Gods, anyone that reads that and actually comes and punch me? Yeah you're gonna get punched in return for their punch.


  8. I just laughed. Obnoxiously.

    Dean is definitely a Winchester. Through and through.

    Would you want us to come up for the wake?

    ~ Branwen

  9. If it's not too much trouble. Sure it's easy right now... but... I dunno. I'm still working on getting everything settled and arranged.

    So hard to find Pagan Priestess. I may just lead it myself or ask Brennon's mom to do it. I mean she's registered and all but it's just i dunno.

    I'm just trying to keep everything light-hearted and giggly and all. We have our moments. As long as I'm busy I don't break down. But hey whatever you wanna do. Don't want to be a pain in your ass or anything. i mean you guys didn't know my parents. But again,the support's always nice. And.. well with Brennon's parents and family gonna be there, it'll be... well Da won't be there.

    Honestly he's the one I've felt most comfortable with, most supported by. Him and Taben.