Wednesday, April 6, 2011
You hold your head down in despair
Oh, but, the time is now you wear that frown
Cause you'll never see me again"
Micron Pens and Watercolors
On Bristol Board
You know, I was really hoping I wouldn't have to draw this card any time soon. Really truly was hoping. Gotta love how shit fucks with you. Really, I wish I could fit more people in here. Todd should be there. And Bran and Ygg and every person that commented on my last post. But these cards are small. Same size as a baseball card, and I'm not the best at drawing small. This has really been heloing me with that.
Really, I appreciate everything all you guys are doing. Even if it's just well wishes. It means the world to us. Sam, Dean and I just sat downstairs lastnight watching Supernatural and being kids. Being siblings. Forgetting all the drama and misfortune surrounding us. Brennon bought steak for dinner. We had nice thick new york strip steaks for dinner. They were great. Then.. then we decided to turn in... and we're getting ready to go and Todd shows up. And I think that's what broke the illusion for us. Sam just broke down and Dean and I saw her to bed. Dean's been staying in the room with her. Sam can't sleep alone right now it's too hard. She needs the reasurance of someone being ther for her. Dean's really good with that. I'm glad they have each other. Dean's still mute. I think he talks to Sam but only when they're alone. I could be wrong. I've told them to write out their feelings on their journals. They seem afraid. I don't know how to help them move on. They've been tramatized. And I think Sam blames herself. Because it was her hone that was called, and through her phone that we.... heard.
I've been dreaming about that. The phone call. The screams. Have you heard someone scream as they burned to death? It's the most frightening thing you could ever imagine. And it's not quick like some people think. You know? I'm really fucking pissed at myself. Sitting there for the 15 minutes and listening to thsose screams intead of just getting down there and helping my parents while they were still alive. I'm so fucking pissed at myself for failing them. I stopped talking to my family because I didn't want them to be dragged into this mess.
My parents knew nothing. And now look what happened.
It's just. Not. Fair.
The most we can do now is just try and move on with our lives. I'm going to be going out with Taben. We're going to the park. I have things I want to.. practice. I managed to convince Todd to crash here for the night. He looked worn out. I've asked him to come with us. He's not happy with us I don't think. He's not really saying much on the matter but I do feel discomfort and uncertainty from him. I guess we'll see what comes of this.
Still waiting to hear back from the the attorneys that hold my parents wills. We'll likely need to go to them in person later today. Also we're going to see about getting Dean and Sam enrolled into one of the high schools and fight for them to not be held back. Yeah that's going to be lovly fun I'm sure. I hate teh school systems sometimes.
We're going to have a wake for our parents this weekend. I know at least that much is what they wanted. It's a matter of hearing back from the people holding the wills to see what else they wanted. I remember them saying their requests for burial were in there. They never wanted to talk about it. Gods love them. They always kept conversation light and cheerful and happy.
Mom... Dad.... I need you guys. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I failed you. I love you. I'm so sorry....